It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
