**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
