dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize