Just cropdusted the office
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
