I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
