He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
