I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
