Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
