yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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