dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He shit in the fireplace
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
