I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I am available for nakedness
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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