dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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