I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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