I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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