I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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