Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
