she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
