i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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