i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
