all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
