My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
