somebody snuck up and got me drunk
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
