the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
