I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
