Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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