hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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