Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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