I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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