I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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