The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Boobs speak an international language.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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