smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
