There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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