Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
