He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
