I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
