it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
