Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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