Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
