the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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