I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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