I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
