I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
