Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize