You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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