I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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