ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
