it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
