Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
