Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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