I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
A bitchslap is in order.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize