ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
