I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We need to rekindle our bromance
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
