So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize