If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
