gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
