I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
