Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
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