its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
