please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
as a side note pls kill me
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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