Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
